Dreams

3 pm

I saw him next door. Mowing the lawn and cleaing up the yard. He kept looking my way and when he saw me, he took his shirt off. I was sad and scared. I thought he was coming to talk to me.

why is this still happening?? I'm so confused, lonely and sad. I don't want to dream about him, I want to dream about me and my future again.

3:30pm I didn't wake up crying but now I am. This connection is what I've been looking for my whole life. And people wonder why I'm ready to give up. I have met and dated a lot of guys, too many, and I never felt this. No one knows me that well, no one has walked in my shoes. No one knows just how lonely and sad I am. I have no one to fall asleep next to, to wake up with, to have real conversations with, to share my dreams with. No one is here to make sure I take my vitamins and pills so that I can stay healthy. I suck at remembering and there are plenty of times when I don't care and don't take them. I can't keep this huge house clean.

At 35, no one loves me enough to take care of me, why should I stay here?? I'm not that strong, independent woman everyone thinks I am. I have made it this far believing that I would find this connection with someone and now I have but he doesn't feel me and he ran away, very far away....at the same time I find out that I'm really sick and need surgery, maybe even two surgeries. And this guy won't get out of my dreams and every guy I meet looks like him.....WTF am I suppose to do??