"Dancing in the Dark"

6:20 am

I only listened to three songs this morning. "Thrift Shop" "Yeah!" and "Dancing in the Dark" I have to admit that I cried along the river this morning, on BS Road. I was thinking it was BS how many times I have cried along that river road and why is it, that no matter what I do, this blog always ends up being about Boston. Then I finally said, "fuck it, you're just being the Carol everyone knows; living life, being you; boy crazy and heart broken. Only this time it's on the Internet where anyone in the Universe can read the details if they want." It is my motivation, making magic and helping me find more friends who believe in me....why stop now?? And this morning, I was thinking "where in Hell is my heart"

J had it for sixteen years because we were friends who talked about life and had common interests. But we never touched, he had a girlfriend. I thought I was in love with him so he broke my heart. I dreamed about him and he told me he was so lucky to have me as a friend. I forgot about him and moved on. But then I saw him at Walmart one day, after they broke up, about a year before I went to barber school. We talked a little and I had an overwhelming urge to hug him, he was in a bad place and needed some love. I realized this summer, while I was sick in bed before surgery, that I gave him my heart before I met the Devil

Now I'm thinking, if I didn't have my heart while I was in school, why did I wake up every day thinking that I was in love with the Devil who had a Capricorn Sun but acted like a Scorpio?? Sure, most mornings, were pretty good. He sat in his corner, I sat in the middle of the room, we had earphones in listening to our own music and pretending not to stare at each other in all those mirrors. Yea, I never actually looked at him much and I definitely did my best to keep him from touching me. Even tho he believed in me and wanted his birth chart done.....almost every day. But he made me cry because he only talked to me when he wanted to have sex or make me do something for him, like cut someone's hair who he didn't want to touch. So I tried to ignore him most days. But I felt him. I dreamed about him and with him, the whole time. I finally realized one day, he's a narcissist, he's so in love with himself that it makes me feel like I'm in love with him too. So I wrote him a letter, worked on it for almost two months and gave it to him one week before Valentine's Day, that told him our story from my point of view and called him a narcissist at the end

Then I graduated before the Devil and I met Home Depot the very next day. One of the reasons I couldn't be with him, he reminded me too much of J, who just happens to be one of his childhood friends. About a week after I stopped seeing Home Depot, I met J at Weis, we went for a ride to a pond and sat talking about life while smoking a couple J's. We didn't really touch tho, I spent most of the time playing with the garnet heart-shaped ring that I wore all the time. Yea, I stole my heart back and used that pond to make sure J's stayed strong

Three days later, Boston showed up here alone. And even tho I made sure that I sat right in front of him, we barely looked at each other, couldn't make eye contact and didn't talk much. No, he talked to W on his left and I talked to M on my left.....but every time he passed me a j, he played with my fingers and I let him. I wasn't sure why at the time but I knew that I've been waiting for someone to do that my Whole life so I let him. Then I went home and cried myself to sleep because I couldn't believe that J didn't want me after being my friend for so many years. Now I know that Boston not only made me dream about him, he stole my heart

But it's ok, I let him. And not long after, Boston went to Boston. Oh yes, Boston was in Boston with my heart. But he didn't want it remember?? He left it behind just like he did me. And that's alright too because I was dying and it was right where it needed to be. And that ring, I lost it delivering papers on the mountain where my Taurus father lives. That's how he felt me and knew I needed saved. That's how my surgeon knew that I needed operated on ASAP and talked to me about Mars. Yea, my heart was getting fixed while my body was being saved

So now where is my heart?? Well my new friends D and D showed me. The 19 year old Aries gave me all kinds of luck. After stalking his Facebook a couple times, I finally realized that he was also showing me that I have my heart back. I found it awhile ago. And my gf D, she showed me where I found it. B was writing poems and dreaming about me because her boy had it. They live along the river, next to the Press Enterprise and his name is exactly the same as my old crush J. Only this one, he was born May 16 and is almost two. Last night, he was wearing an elf costume but as D pointed out, he looks like a fairy; the way he runs around, climbs on things and doesn't have much to say.....yea, I agree. It's no wonder we like the song "Ex's and Oh's" so much, they are literally missing a "Piece of Me"......I'm not broken, I've been afraid because my heart has been touched by too many people and it's forgotten what it feels like to be alone. But I'm not looking over my shoulder anymore, I know that I can protect my own heart, I've done it for most of my life. Plus, my DD girl who likes to talk, the one who accepted the job I almost took but decided to wait till after surgery; she is just waiting for it to snow and I bet it's because about ten years ago, I dreamed about my Man being here with lots and lots of snow. He looked a lot like my old friend A who works at Pepsi but he's happily married so it must be some one similiar. Now I'm ready for sleep. Not a nap, I'm exhausted

8:22am

I looked it up. I lost my heart ring 8/7/15, 13 days before I found out that I had a Teratoma tumor.....when I was told that Boston was in Boston, that's how I know he left it there. And while I was there, I looked at the pic of my tarot reading from 8/8/15 and wow......if you believe in what I believe in, it told me everything I've been telling you, I can prove it