Being Sick

6:31am

Do you know how much I hate Mondays?? Today did not start out well. I woke up dreaming of Boston again. So fustrating, it's been five months, when will it stop?? It was 1:50, the time I usually leave, even more frustrating, I overslept. Then I check my child support. I get an email saying I will get it in 2-3 days but it's usually there within a few hours. Of course, it's been 3 days and it's still not there. It's Monday and once again, I've been negative for days. So I suck it up and go to ask my mom for ten dollars, I need gas to deliver papers. And she was in her mood where she's a bitch but not yelling, I was the one yelling this time. I've had it with this emotional shit. I'm not happy with my life and I'm doing everything I can to change that and I know that I am succeeding......but for now, I'm hurting. I've slowly become a hermit over the years. I've never really liked being around people all that much. It's been getting worse and now I know why, I have something evil on my ovary. I have a hard time being out there in society. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, I'm not me anymore. I don't know how to BE

I heard the first two songs and I started crying. I turned the music off for awhile and just let the tears flow. I was so overwhelmed with the sadness of what my life is right now. It's pretty pathetic. I'm hiding in my house, mostly my room, afraid to be around anyone, pouring my heart out on a blog that no one is reading. All because I'm an emotional hot mess and can't control myself. Yea, I've been strong, I'm a survivor and that's why I've been hiding my illnesses from everyone. Nothing serious, I never would have guessed that I would have something like this. It's ugly, insane and it does fucking hurt. Hello, I've been having stomach issues forever, I've become a skeleton and now I just want to sleep all the time. Of course I'm sick. You all keep telling me I look it, well believe it, I really am. I have thought about it, I do believe it and I cry all the time because no one is holding my hand and keeping me calm. The tears finally stopped around the time I hit my hippie friends road. She loves me and has reached out to me. I was left thinking what the fuck do I do??

I decided to turn the radio back on and play DJ. I chose what to listen to. I scanned for ten minutes or more at times, skipping over Love songs because today, they make me sad. I'm glad I did. I listened mostly to 88.9, 92.9, 97.9 and the John Tesh show. I got to hear some songs I forgot about and haven't heard in awhile. E.T. I let play because I was on High Rd, where I saw the flash of green light and watched it fall from the sky. And I actually smiled a little because this morning, I saw a shooting star in the same spot!!! But I was selfish and made a wish for myself. It made me feel bad but the music made me feel better about it. I've turned into a hermit and I'm afraid to go out there because I've been hurt so much and have spent too much time helping others instead of helping myself. If I had gone and got a real job when I graduated, instead of trying to help my friend, I wouldn't be broke with a broken heart right now. So it's mostly all my fault. And if I had money, I could leave this Hell more often and not be so upset over the dreams, right??

Well then I heard "Got You" and I finally did smile for real. It played on Lucky Man road and I haven't heard that song in years and I LOVE it. I don't know why, I just think it's amazing. Then, "Johnny Be Good" started but was interpreted by the five'o'clock morning show. It made me think of JM again. Especially since Rolling Stones played then. I don't want to scare him but I did really love him. And I still do. It's been ten years, I've matured and I'd gladly take a chance at falling in love with him. If only he'd ever forgive me, after all, I do have a tumor on my ovary and have a tough time handling my emotions. I remember having amazing dreams with him and that tumor will be gone in 15 days.

As for Boston, I know he didn't mean to hurt me, he's on drugs and is too young. But he did. He was careless with his words, he didn't listen to me, he didn't believe in me....he just wanted to do what he wanted to do. It doesn't make sense, a complete stranger who doesn't care about me, makes me so upset because he doesn't believe. It has to be this tumor. I don't want to dream about him, it tortures me but I can't make it stop. I've been writing about it, hoping that will make it stop. I don't talk to the guy, I haven't seen him or heard anything about him but yet I feel like he's hurting me every day.....it has to be this tumor messing with my psychicness. I must not be getting the right messages and they are tormenting me.

15 days

I have to live with this crap for only that many days. I hope it goes fast, I'm so sick of crying, not being able to eat and being sad. I have no reason to be this depressed and I can't wait for it to go away. I can't wait to have the energy to work again, have money and get the fuck out of here. Cause the last song on today's playlist, mad me sad again. I've been alone in this house for months. Hardly anyone comes to see me. I don't have many real friends apparently. They all think I'm still that strong girl who doesn't need anyone and they're too selfish to realize that I AM really sick. But that's alright, 15 days....I will be back and I won't forget who was really here for me.

My uncle was up and waiting for his paper. He asked where the boy was. Blaine. I should have agreed with my uncle from the day Blaine showed up. Uncle wants him down there, not here. And having him here sure has seemed to cause some problems. I love the boy but he does need to find some direction, he's obviously not getting it from me.