"The Zoo"

5:29am

I Love that song and I didn't listen to much music this morning. Why?? I grew up on music. I thought I could never live without it. Until I quit Holiday Hair and went to barber school. I already mentioned that I listened to the same songs, over and over while in school; well, I hardly listened to anything at all when I was home. I preferred the silence and thought it was pretty cool. Till I started this paper route. At first, I loved this job and the music, I can't drive in silence, especially not for 3 hours. What happened?? The music keeps making me think about Boston and saying that I should accept him.

"I’m searching for a song tonight.

I’m changing all of the stations"

But I don't want to listen or believe anymore. I've been forced to think about it for way too long. Maybe that's the point?? I'm not sure anymore. See, Boston helped convince me to take this job. Funny, huh?? AND.... my music and my dreams are making me think about what happened. I still feel like it was just yesterday that this guy told me I was awesome and was ready to knock on my door and take care of me. From what I heard, he had the perfect thing to say too. He made me remember my biggest dream, made me think about it and made me think it was going to happen. He does have everything I'm looking for.....but instead, he went back to the boring wife who doesn't approve of his life and makes him want to kill himself and then he treated me like I'm the fool.

Oh wait.....no, he came back. With the wife. He made sure that he was loud enough for me to hear him too. He made sure to let me know that he was around and thinking of me. And then, after finding out I have a tumor and I am really sick, this asshole decides to live in a tent, in my neighbors yard, with his wife!!! Once again, making sure I hear him and know he's here. And why?? It felt to me like he just wanted to see me and drool over me before going and fucking his wife.

"So I wonder where were you?

When all the roads you took came back to me."

Yea....he wasn't thinking about the fact that I was over here dying from a tumor and a broken heart, he was only thinking about himself. He didn't care that I wanted him and was wishing he was with me.... he ripped my heart to shreds and stomped on it.

So why have I been made to sit here and suffer over this??

Well I guess that's why, at the end of my route, John Tesh promised to talk about cancer after the next song but played three songs first. The last three on my playlist. That's my answer, right??

I'm trying to be more grateful towards Blaine. I am happy for the help and the company. But he's too much like my real brother. The one I was never that close to. Most of our lives, we lived in completely seperate parts of the house because we would want to kill each other if we spent too much time together. It's the same with Blaine and I. And we don't want that kind of relationship. But we will make the best of it because we are all each other has for now.

Blaine's birth chart says that he is analyzing Jupiter, just like me. So I wonder where our Aries Jupiter Man is. We have a huge family up here waiting to take care of him so he can help us.

John Tesh didn't have much to say about preventing and fighting cancer, two things. One, exercise. Duh. Stay active and healthy. Two, make sure you don't have mold in your house. Well, the only place I still smell mold is in my downstairs bathroom, which is next to be fixed. Thank goodness, I don't want these lumps in my lung turning to cancer, I want them to go away. I'm sure all this stress isn't helping either but that's why I'm looking for a bus.

"Did you have to hit me where I'm weak, baby I couldn't breathe. Salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me" Bad Blood