Hmmm

9:37pm

I don't know why I can't stop writing this. I'm sick of doing it. Does anyone enjoy these?? Some feedback would be great, I feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes but I just can't help myself. I've been thinking about what I said about not wanting more kids. Thinking about it a lot actually. This tumor is kind of like being pregnant. It's fucking with my emotions, it's taking up space in my belly and taking my energy. Only I liked pregnancy, it was fun and this thing is so not fun. I don't understand this thing. It's supposedly common, I guess I should research it more, huh?? And it's supposedly something most women can live with for a long time....but not me. I really feel like this thing is going to kill me if I don't get it out. It's really hurting my intestines. So not cool. I slept about ten hours today. First it was about six and a half. I got up, thought I was hungry, tried eating but felt like throwing it up instead. I went back to sleep for another three and a half hours. I feel better now but I'm still not hungry, never am when I wake up but hopefully soon I will be.

I woke up wondering who I'm writing too. I know some one is reading this. Why are they making me think about kids?? Well....I have thought about it, I do want more, with a man who is going to stick around and be a good father. Especially now that I'm losing an ovary. I have confidence that my left one is still awesome, my daughter is just about perfect, the left has to be good. And I always wanted a boy so I could teach him how to be a great man, we need more of them. And my paper route has me thinking of a name I like, first and middle. I don't know why but it just came to me last night and I Love it. Especially since neither name is in my name book. I'm wondering if that's why I like unusual names.....I want to change that book. Add some names for sure. And who knows, maybe even change some of them. I know that my name has some things that just don't fit any of the many Carols I know. And Blaine definitely needs to be added, he is definitely one of a kind. So why can't I dream about him??? I live for my dreams, they have always guided me through life and I'm so lost right now. I don't remember any dreams today.