Scared

9:08 am

I had visitors last night/this morning before my paper route. We talked about Instant Karma and being positive. My one friend was excited because they finally realized that their negative depression was making bad things happen to them even though they did good things for others. Then they realized that by thinking positive, good things came to them. "No wonder assholes have such great things happen, they don't care and they are postive. I finally believe and see that instant karma is real" I knew these things, did you?? It reminds me of why I'm being a hermit. I'm sad, I don't want to make others sad nor do I want bad things happening to me.

The radio told me that today is Winona Ryder's birthday.....hmm.....very interesting. They also said that the stock market crashed on this day, causing the Great Depression. And something happened in Chester, PA back in 18something. I missed the whole thing as I was very upset this morning.

My papers did not come until 5 am. Not cool. I wish they would come up with a way of letting me know so that I don't have to sit there alone for three hours with my thoughts only. For one, I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve that. So not cool and what a rough morning it was. After I got my papers and was finally on my way, Blaine text me. A ridiculously long text that I couldn't quite understand. I text back that I didn't understand it and that I just got my papers, I'm pissed so I don't want to be bothered. Of course he texts back almost instantly and asks why I'm pissed. Good question Blaine, why am I?? I had to sit alone with my toughts and nothing to do or distract me for almost three hours. Then I'm forced to go deliver papers during morning rush hour.....with stops on the wrong side of the road. On a main road that is very busy where several people have died in those morning hours just driving down the road. Yea, I had a really fucking scary morning. I thought I was going to die. Yea, I don't really believe that I can but I thought for sure that I was going to this morning. Of a heart attack or someone was going to hit me. Never in my life have I been that scared. I never want to deliver papers in those hours again. Even the smallest, most back country, dirt road.....yea, a fucking shuttle bus came barreling down that road at me!!! It was fucking nuts.

Really, what the hell did I do??

I also thought about what I believe in. Of course, I thought I was dying. I use to think I believed in reincarnation but now I'm reconsidering. Remember, I'm pretty sure that I was a witch in or near Boston.....well I'm pretty sure that I was a pirate too. I love the beach but I prefer to lay on the sand and soak up the sun. The ocean scares the shit out of me. I've had a very vivid dream several times where I'm sinking in the ocean, staring at a pirate ship that is sinking in front of me. When I look down to see what I'm wearing, I always wake up.....I never die.

My point, I'm mad that my thumbs hurt. Like really fucking bad right now. And all I can think about is how my friend W told me that I should have given Home Depot more than five weeks to remember that I have a disability with my thumbs. Well I don't think so. If it had been reversed, I would have done everything I possibly could to make things easier for him because I cared about him. In my World, that's how it works. When someone is disabled, you remember, especially if you like them and you help them. You don't forget and you definitely don't ask them to help you with things that will only make them hurt worse. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a man who is going to care about my pain and massage my hands and do the things that I can't do anymore.

Why did I think about this and dying and reincarnation?? Well, everything happens for a reason, right?? And unfortunately, my Taurus father now knows exactly how it feels not to have a thumb. And I just bet he was a pirate at one time too. Just like I know, after several years of having intelligent conversations with him, that he's the kind of man that would care and take care of me. And I know that he is one of my soul mates....we were pirates and I just bet that we DO have treasure somewhere. And who is the one that can read the stars?? Blaine is on a mission today and there's no stopping him now.....

P.S. I wasn't going to add this but after the shit I found on Facebook and who found me, I want to share something else I'm pissed about. I have to get this out of me:

I'm the one who can't be alone

I'm the one who shouldn't be alone

I'm the one dying of a broken heart

Boston has no idea how hard my life has been

He's had it easy because he doesn't care about others, he's selfish

He doesn't know what Hell it is for a woman out there

Especially a single mother

I'm the one who can't be alone

I don't care how sorry he is or how bad he feels

He needs to stop thinking about me and let me go

I'm sick of dreaming about him

I deserve a life

I want to be happy and I want to live