??

5:58pm

I'm still a bit out of it from surgery. My cousin says it's because I'm skinny and have low blood pressure. It's hard to focus on much, t.v., a book, anything. I probably shouldn't even write this. But I have to say, we also talked about how my brother was here but didn't come in to see me. She said he was probably afraid of what I looked like. Is that why no one is coming to see me?? Is it really that hard to accept that this strong, independent woman can be sick?? Yea, I almost died but I didn't. I'm here. I was saved and I'm going to live. But I'm not going to be that strong woman right away, it takes time to recover. I can't even lay down because I have so much air inside me from surgery and that's what hurts the most. I'm still me, I'm still the same, I just have an excuse for being lazy now and I really do need help. I'm really upset that I'm facing another night alone. Why is it so hard for anyone to just suck it up, be a friend and hang out?? You don't want to see me in pain but you'd rather I sit here and suffer alone with no help?? And what about the fact that my daughter is here and has to see it?? Why should she have to help me?? She doesn't want to see me like this and she shouldn't. But, I'm probably talking to myself anyway. No one cares enough about me to read this nor does anyone want to take care of me. I'm probably writing this to remind myself why I'm alone and prefer it now. At 35, living the life I have, helping as many people as I can, you would think more people cared about me and would be here. I hope I'm right about this being a dream and that soon, when I feel better, I can leave this World for good, just like that one video I shared. I'm not the only one who believes.

P.S. I was thinking positive, I was for sure that at least one of my friends would be here with me. But I'm becoming negative again. I've been sober and dreaming. Lots of people come to visit me and are with me. Yea, even Boston is still there.....but then I wake up, where I'm still alone and no one is coming. Thankfully I dreamed about my boy cat too and that one makes me smile. I probably dream about him because he sits outside my window crying until I let him in.....just so he can say hi to me. That boy loves me and misses me.