ugh

I'm still not ok. I had some complications and went to the ER. My mom took me in, practically ran out the door, I didn't even get to put pants on under my summer dress. But she was so rude sitting in the waiting room. She kept talking about the other people and telling me my parenting skills suck and just being a real bitch. I know she was scared and worried but really, talking about that in the ER waiting room?!?! UGH I got up and walked outside for some air. She followed me, handed me my purse and said 'your cousin can bring you home' and sauntered off in the dark!! Wow, even my own mom has abandoned me....again. Not keeping score, just saying, it's not the first time and it sure won't be the last.

I cried laying there alone waiting for my tests. I didn't want to talk about it but yea....I still feel Boston. Not dreaming about him thank goodness. But I still feel him. And with everything I'm going through....it's really hard not to cry about it. My own mom abandoned me, my room mate hides in the basement, doesn't like talking to me, can barely even look at me and not one friend who isn't blood has visited me.....can you blame me for being sad?!?

Boston and I could have been great, we could be saving each other right now but you know what I feel?!? He still doesn't see me. It's like I don't exist. He never did see me and now he broke my heart without even knowing who I am. Yea, I'm crying over it again. How can life do this?!? I don't understand how I can feel so much and yet be nothing to him. I have accepted it, I know I have no power over it so why the hell can't I stop crying over it?? I have received so many messages and help on how to release his enery but none of it works. Hopefully soon I will be really healthy and he will be gone for good. Seriously, at this point, I'd rather never see his face again.

Same with my so-called best friend M. I lost her too. She had plenty of time to go to the bar and talk to strangers the other night but not one minute for me?? She left me sit here alone and crying for another night. That's not a friend. None of my so-called friends are friends. Lots of them went out partying Saturday, yea, they'd rather get wasted so they can forget who they are, do stupid shit trying to look cool and leave me alone. For what folks?? Is that hangover worth my pain?!?!

I really don't understand why I've had to go through this hell alone. I've never wanted to be alone and I know I'm not supposed to be. I'm so not happy with this life, why can't I be happy about Blaine?? He believes and he thinks I'm special, I want to want him and feel him, even if he does make me mad, he's here and trying to make me happy :'(

1:38am I wrote all that waiting for my cousin to show up and I was sitting there alone, crying. I've changed some words to make it proper tense, I want to be understood by some one. Like the way my cousin M gets me.

My blood had to be taken four times!!! Ugh.... number three was really painful, swelled immediately and still hurts :( Number three was because the first one was lost and the second had the wrong test done on it. UGH AGAIN And then yea, three was done right there in the ER and it wasn't good. My hemoglobin is low so they had to get a better, more accurate test. Which still said low but not enough for the on call surgeon to be concerned. He didn't even come in. Thankfully, my married doctor, who looked just like Nathan Fillion and was super nice, sent messages to My Surgeon and I'm sure that I will be hearing that beautiful accent first thing in the am. I just bet that guy never stops caring about his patients and he does really like me. I should learn to like older men, all of them do Love and Respect me. Why the fuck am I attracted to the boys?? I'm so sick of that shit. Here's to hoping My Surgeon and Blaine make my day and that I have a blessed Sunday. I most certainly deserve somthing great after this week of Hell, don't I ?!?!?