"Dead Inside"

6:12am

I was debating on whether or not to write today when the crystal fell off my necklace. To me that's a yes. I've been thinking about being dead inside. I was but that's why I'm here to wake people up. I'm here to make you believe. I'm here because I've helped changed the future. It doesn't have to be scary, the World doesn't have to end. We just have to believe in Love and magic. I know that it's working, my life is too special and spoiled for me to be wrong. Everyone wants me to find what I'm looking for. I'm looking for happiness. Has anyone read the article I shared on what is to be believed as the most likely cause of addiction?? Yea, it's lengthy but so worth the read. It proves everything I believe in and why I'm here. I want to find my Twin Flame. I believe in magic and I'm addicted to humans. I'm addicted to humans because I know that my Twin Flame will make me so happy that I will never smoke cigarettes again and I will definitely cut back on the weed, well, once the physical pain is gone that is. I wish I could make it happen with Blaine. It would be so great if we could heal each other and end our hell. But it's just not happening. I still see him as my brother.

Yea, I do get out there and no, it's not as often as people would like. But when I do go out there, I meet guys who are taken, too young or really creepy. And most have some way of making me think about Boston. It's bullshit and I want it to stop but it is what it is. Last night, I dreamed about being alone again. I don't like those dreams at all. I'm usually sad and I was. Which is why I wasn't going to write but the music made me want to believe so I'm doing my best to believe that I really am here to change my future because I don't want to spend my life alone nor die alone. And I'm feeling stuck here because I have a hero coming to save me soon. I just have to, there's no way I would want to make myself write and remember how much pain I've been going through. I would never forget this last year of Hell, I'm taking notes for some one.