"Dancing Queen"

7:06am

It took me awhile to find this morning's first song. It took me awhile to find any good music this morning, lots of commercials and Christmas music. I love the song "Promiscuous" but I hate when I'm asked if I am. Absolutely not. I tried dating two guys at the same time once. It was a disaster and those two went from being strangers to best friends and they both cut me out of their lives. Never again will I attempt that. I want One True Love.....I don't share. And I'm sorry to report that "Just Like A Pill" made me think of Blaine. No matter how and what I do to try to connect to him, we just keep bringing each other down. But everything happens for a reason, he's here for a reason, we are helping each other just not the way we would like to.

I'm really starting to see things so much better now that I'm healing. I was trying to help my friend build a new life and I tried showing him by bringing Blaine here so he could start a new life. I wanted to show my friends that it's that easy to start over. But it didn't work out so well. There were too many drugs around, people dying of diseases and a huge lack of communication. Communicating is extremely difficult for me. I don't like words, I'm not good with words, I feel too much and I've spent too much time with people who also feel. Therefore we don't talk much, we are comfortable with the silence. That's obviously changed for me, I've had a lot to say and no one to talk to. It's okay, I have this blog that makes magic happen for me. It took some time but Blaine and I are both starting over. I was sick and not using the best form of teaching.....which is to show by doing. I'm pretty happy that I walked away from the life I was living, I have found two new friends who believe in magic, I have two new acquaintances with the names John and AJ.....and I haven't talked about how important those names are to me. I know a lot of Johns and AJs, I'm saving those stories for another day also. Because most importantly, I found bud....several forms of it. I can finally choose between something that helps me sleep and something that helps me stay awake. I'm loving this new life.

Except that I feel like a fool. I heard Boston was running around shirtless all summer. So not only was he loud, he was really trying to get my attention. Funny how, I didn't even notice because I was too busy trying to make him see me. I didn't realize how selfish he was. Stupid me. I always knew he didn't see me or care about me, he just wanted attention. I wish I could make the dreams of him stop. Everything else I am learning to deal with, it's not anyone's fault that I like what I like and am being given many choices that are just like Boston. But the dreams, I fall asleep thinking of all different people, vacations I'd like to take, I even think about dogs.....but I'm always dreaming about Boston or being alone. And both make me cry.

Because yea, I'm not really happy. I'm faking it. I have conquered life, several times. I have everything I need and want except for the only thing I want. The only thing I ever wanted....some one to share this life with. I've looked every where and I'm still alone. I'm cursed....I have always, always thought about having some one by my side to talk to, to laugh with, dream with and enjoy life. Maybe it's because I was suppose to have a twin. They have always been a part of me and now they're gone. But I'm still cursed with the emptiness and the loneliness. I'm trying to be happy and thankful that I'm alive. It's better than thinking about death, right?? One of the things I learned in the Beauty industry "fake it till you make it." So if I keep pretending, then one day, I will be happy because even tho I'm faking it, life is getting easier and Luckier every single day. Who knows, maybe one day I won't think about anyone being by my side, maybe I will learn to be truly happy with my self only. But I doubt that. I've been disappointed in the choices given me because they are way too young, like young enough to be my kids, not okay with me. Or they are unavailale, whether they are taken or just not interested in me. I'm staying positive because I'm still here, my heart is beating and I've been very lucky my whole life. One of these days, I will meet some one who has everything I want and then some. The young boys I'm meeting, are just here to show me that I will have my son, maybe even twins and he/they will be awesome, kind gentlemen. I'm so lucky, I've been finding things in two's and I bet that is why Blaine is here, I'm hopefully going to find his Twin Flame too.