"Roots"

5:32am

I was lost in thought this morning. I wrote what I thought I wanted to say while at a friend's house before delivering papers. But the music and my thoughts made me want to write more. Like, what I wrote, I was getting answers as I wrote and it made me think some more on it. Some times I'm willing to let it all go, I have moments where I'm happy and ready to start completely over but then I have moments like last night. This time though, friends reached out to me and let me know that I'm not alone and I have every right to be hurt. I'm not over reacting as some think I am and make me wonder if I am being irrational. It took me four years to open my home and heart to some one. I quit drinking and finally stopped choosing losers. Sure, a genuine creep-o got in one day but he was sniffed out and sent away.

In March, I met Home Depot and gave him a chance. But he didn't feel at home, here on my mountain, my home. So I let him go. Then I met and talked to the guy I thought I was in love with for sixteen years. I knew that night but it took me a week to accept that after all these years, I finally knew how to find what I wanted. And that this boy I watched turn into a man, is a great man indeed. But we are bad influences on each other and he's not the one. Then I finally got talked into letting Boston live with me. After three years of observing him, for me to open my home, my heart and my universe. It was huge for me. Not just a passing thought, not out of desperation but because I was convinced by people and my beliefs....that Boston and I could truly help each other right now. But did he talk to me?? Did anyone bother to think and ask about why I would do that??

How about Blaine?? He's my best friend's little brother, he's like my brother. A Carpricorn also. Ask him how many months he begged me to let him come live here before I finally said yes. Did anyone ever ask him why he was here?? He's convinced he's here to help W to help us all.

Then Boston shows up looking for pity, hating his life, not wanting to be alone. While I'm over here literally dying. I've been alone most of my life. I'm the one who is so lonely that I wanted to die. Ask my best friend M, I told her that I felt like I was dying of a broken heart. No guy that I wanted to stay, has and this guy had me thinking he was so desperate, he'd actually take a chance with the hot, awesome girl next door but no.....he'd rather die or move to Colorado. Yea, I'm extremely heart broken at that point and who knew, I was actually dying for real. I went to sleep so many times thinking that I would never wake up here again, I was ready to go.....and it almost happened. I was staying sober and dying alone before I ever went and looked at Boston's face again. I'm pretty sure that my Taurus father saved me that day I was choking on my deck and eventually causing me to fracture my ribs that night, either in my sleep or delivering papers. The broken ribs are what got me under the CT scan and found my tumor.

And then, when I ask that Boston be removed from my mountain, then, he finally talks to me....by email....across the driveway while the wife is away. Just to tell me that he thought about it but is afraid to leave his wife. Looking for more pity while I'm over here...ALONE... needing saved. I'm not over reacting. I'm one of the loneliest people out there. I spent a week post surgery practically taking care of myself. I'm having a hard time getting over it and my Universe won't let me forget. I'm here to change the future, I believe we can do what we want. I'm here because I didn't want to go through this alone but I still did and I have some awful bruises making it harder to heal and they most likely could have been prevented. So yea....I'm extremely upset.....I don't feel bad about calling him a coward and I'm not over reacting, nor will I forget. I was ready to share My World, my everything.....but he never even looked in my eyes or asked about me. No, I didn't need to go there, he was the one who wanted help, I'm the one who needed saving and I'm not desparate enough to ask a married man for help. No way in Hell. I was smart enough to let him make his own decision, he chose to ignore me. And I didn't need his weed either, he was overcharging me. He has no idea what it's like being a single mom.

But I'm trying not to be mad. The physical pain I'm feeling, which I actually feel through my empath friends. I'm still pretty numb to physical pain. Not like emotional pain, that's what's going to kill me, I feel way too much. And I'm bringing too many people down. I don't want to live this lonely miserable life anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be staring into my Twin Flame's eyes for the first time and I want to feel our first kiss. Because I know that after my experience with Home Depot, I'm very close to finding the right guy for me. I don't want to be sad, angry and hurt. I want to stop crying and feeling lonely. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason and I had to go through this alone. I guess it's just hard to accept. Just as it is also hard to accept a man in my life. Yea, I really want one but the ones I've let in, they all left. Even my father didn't stay. It's why I want a Taurus, they will understand because they know how I think and they will do whatever it takes to prove they are here to stay.

I'm sharing parts of a post that my new friend B shared with me as I was writing this. From Alana Fairchild. I also shared it on my Facebook if you want to read the whole article. I believe and I'm doing my best to relax. "Roots"....my earliest memory is being hung, as a 'witch'...up North somewhere. I am who I am and I'm ready to learn more. "All Along the Watchtower" makes me think of my devil, after all, the teacher called him Jimi Hendrix all the time. And it makes me think of home, my mountain, where my daughter can't sleep without a light on, always. Maybe he will come take us to Jamaica, she loves dark chocolate too