"Hurt"

5:32 am

Definitely suits my mood this morning. I started the night crying and not listening to the radio. I was glad to turn on the music and find it fitting my mood so well. Miserable right here. I just can't help it. All I can think about is what I want. Everyone has been telling me to talk to the Moon, it will help me find it. Okay, I've been talking to, singing to, crying to, loving, hating and begging the Moon for what I want every morning now for almost six months. At least three hours every morning. I'm 35, I have everything I need and want, everything but the only thing I've ever wanted. I can't help but think about it. I survived the last twelve years for my daughter. Being the best mom I can and making her my World. She's thirteen and the more independant she becomes, the more my heart dies. I've conquered everything I've wanted to and then some, except love. Now, after all I've been through, I'm still not begging for pity, I'm still going out there trying to help others. Yea, the girl faking happiness is trying so hard to make others believe and be happy. But me, at the moment, I'm wishing I had died. What's the point in living if I don't have some one to share it with?? What's the point in having this big house and living the awesome life that I have and should be grateful for?? I've never wanted to do this alone and everything in My World is telling me that my Twin Flame is taken and unavailable. How am I suppose to live with this?? I can't, I don't want to. I need to be loved. I need help. I deserve love. I can't sleep until he's here, I've tried, it's not going to happen. So why can't My World give me other things to think about it and do?? Why am I forced to think about how lonely and empty I am?? I just can't, won't, don't want to accept that I have to live alone. I'm losing hope, yea, again, I'm having a hard time finding true love and loyalty out there. Now, Blaine would say I'm being a hyprocrit. He thinks I'm being unloyal to W and maybe some of you feel the same. So I will tell you what I told him, I've been smoking for a little over 17 years. I never had problems like I did with W.....I don't regret my decision. It was mostly because I don't want to see Boston but too many good things are happening for me, I'm not sorry for walking away, only for letting myself get hurt. I should have walked away a long time ago.