"Time To Pretend"

10:25 pm

I was thinking about writing a post on here when a friend text me. My friend has been begging for a hair cut but also telling me to not to worry and take my time healing. Ha. He's funny. I know he's just anxious for a cut, he admitted that he didn't want to go anywhere else now that I've been doing it but he has an interview next week and I hurt myself again. I didn't tell many people, it's just a pulled muscle, in my left abdomen where I'm still sore. It's bullshit. I still keep getting knocked down. First I break my ribs, find out I have a tumor, my car dies, I get an eye infection, I have surgery which ends up saving my life but now I'm missing lady parts on the left inside and some how end up with these huge bruises that look and feel like I've been hit by a train, all around the aching part of my body that is missing parts. Ugh. I've taken the bruises as a sign to take my time healing, which I've been doing and now when I finally think I'm ready to start doing cuts, I pull a muscle delivering newspapers. I'm so sick of this. I need to heal, I need to be busy. I'm too lonely and depressed. My universe won't let me meet some one, it's not even giving me a dog and I'm forced to sit around with my thoughts. I'm so bored of myself, I need entertainment. I know myself too well, I want to get to know some one. I want some one here talking to me, smoking and watching movies. I don't want to think about how much I hate humans and how hard it is to go out there. And that's the really hard part, how do I even meet anyone when I find it so hard to look at people?? They have become so manipulative, you never really know a persons true intentions anymore. I was thinking that I have to find a way to make myself happy, right?? But I don't know how anymore, I've been alone for way too long. And yea, I will admit it, I'm horny too but I still don't want sex. Almost seven months now without it and I just want to have some orgasms. And yea, I'm too disabled to help myself nor do I have any interest in it anymore. It's not fun alone and it makes me cry.

My friend that text me said to keep improving myself and Love will find me. Well, I've been improving myself for a very long time, I am who I am, I am the best I can be. I have everything I want and need except True Love and I just had to go thru Hell. I'm still going thru Hell. I'm seriously hurting physically and emotionally. And I can't make myself happy anymore. I am broken. I've been thru too much and helped way too many people, I just don't know how to go on alone anymore. I don't think I can. I still wake up crying, fall asleep crying and have moments during the day when I just burst out bawling and can't stop. It's a little better every day but I'm seriously considering getting pills. I don't want to join the zombie world, I might not ever come back. I miss me. I miss being happy. Pills could fuck me up forever. But I don't know what else to do, I can't afford to adopt a dog right now and everything is telling me I'm going to be alone for another two years. I can't accept that.....it's killing me

Posted on Facebook today, exactly how I've always felt:

My computer saved this as IMG_1492.....interesting: