"Life Goes On"

5:52 am

Boring weekend. Still sad. Still crying. But I'm not sure why. I guess that's something I need to improve on. I have a lot to be grateful for, my life really isn't too bad, just extremely lonely. I use to be happy with what I have but I've been crying for years and it's slowly gotten worse. I don't think it's me, I think I'm opening myself up way too much towards others. I want to help people so much, maybe that's why I'm alone. Maybe I just want to help others so much that I give too much of myself away to the wrong people....all they give back is pain. Like that guy. I was talked into helping him and I really wanted to. I've been trying to remember why I thought he actually cared. See, I've been crying because of what he did, wondering how some one could be so insensitive. For three years, I thought this guy was too nice, too quiet and a dork. Ask M, I refused to talk to the guy and get involved. But that changed on Valentine's Day when I met Max. Then the guy opened his mouth and I heard it way more than I wanted to for the next six months. For four months I didn't care or pay attention. Till the night he was kicked out and showed up here. Yea, the night I was stood up, exactly seventeen years after graduating high school. A few days later, M told me she thought he was rude to me; me, I thought he was pretty cool, it was the most we ever talked. I didn't see an asshole. Why not?? Because I was upset, abandoned again and really confused. But I was letting that guy play with my fingers all night while we smoked. And I let him because it kept me calm and made me not want to get drunk. And yea, it almost made me want to take him home but I'm glad I didn't.

The next day, I gave him a ride to Sunbury. The second time we were ever alone and for more than a couple minutes. I thought the ride was magical. I couldn't remember what we talked about, all I could remember was feeling like we were both thinking about what it would be like if we did that every day.....if we took a chance together. I remember now that he was bragging about how much he had in his bookbag while I was telling him that I use to drive some one around and I didn't want to know the details, that was something he should keep to himself. And I did tell him that I was going to hang out with a gay friend that night. I also remember smoking and letting him play with my fingers more. No wonder I can't remember anything else. And up until recently, I stupidly thought he was showing off because he liked me, I mean, he did email me later that day and tell me I was awesome. I'm super glad that I thought real hard and decided not to stroke his ego too much and replied with "thanks, you're not so bad either" when I had thought about telling him he was cool. I've got to learn to go with that gut instinct more. Especially cause now I realize that he never really did want to be with me. Even tho I was told that he was planning on knocking on my door that night to ask if he could live with me. I stayed out till six am, drinking and crying with my friend. I guess it was just a passing thought for him because I didn't see or talk to him for two and a half months, when he emailed me and said he wasn't leaving the wife.

I'm remembering another encounter with this guy. I took W to meet him but he made us drive all over the place before he finally stayed somewhere long enough for us to catch up to him. How could I be so foolish to forget that night?? I remember thinking he was really rude that night he sat in my backseat trying to act all tough. I was pretty pissed we had to run all over wasting time for that attitude. He couldn't even apologize for making me waste an hour of gas and time.

Yea, he pulled me into his drama because he wanted me to think he was cool and pity him. Who knows, maybe he thinks I will wait around for him too, why else would he want my pity the very same day I said fuck off by way of my bikini not by actually talking to the jerk?? I tried to ignore him, he's the one who reached out to me, in more ways than he will believe.

Too bad he never really looked at me or got to know me. And don't worry, I'm not crying over him, haven't been for a long time. I have cried over who I thought he was but that's over with too. Some times I cry because of how lonely I am but other than that, I can't explain the tears. I still don't think it's me. I'm going to have to meditate more, I think, so I can find who is doing this to me and make it stop

The only songs I bothered to listen to this morning:

"Stupid Girl" Garbage

"Life Goes On" Poison

"Stand Back" Stevie Nicks

"November Rain" Guns N Roses