"Breaking Skin"

9:07 pm

I'm pretty sure the song is about shooting heroin, right?? But I like to think it's about death in any way and I really love it, The playlist ME Today, is based on that song. My red headed friend introduced me to the song over summer. Hmmm......

You would think that since this is my World and that since so many people care about me, believe in me and love me that it would be enough. But it's not anymore. Not to mention that there are so many of them who don't want to see me this way so they avoid me. And you know what folks, you're only making it harder for me. My problem is that I'm alone and you all leave me alone. You can chill with me, I promise I won't cry or be a bitch.....I'm still funny, sweet Carol when I'm with humans. So please help me out and come be my friend like you say you are.

I'm almost 36 and I really want to know what Love is. I'm so sick of talking to myself, I can't sleep because I'm so alone that all I can do is cry. I'm so tired of trying. I've met and dated so many guys, I don't want to try anymore. I haven't wanted to since I kicked out PW, about four and a half years ago. But I have met guys and taken a chance. Unfortunately none of them have lasted more than a couple dates. Except Home Depot, I hung on to him four weeks too long. I knew the first week that he was never going to come here but I kept trying anyway.

Now, no matter what I do, how hard I try or not try, every guy I meet is just a reflection of Boston. And tonight, I've had enough, I'm the one who wants to die tonight. I want to get on with my life. I want the will to live back. I was surrounded by so much fakeness that I don't know what happy is anymore. I'm trying. I'm looking for a dog but I don't have enough to go fork out a couple hundred on one. Nor do I think I should have to. There are so many that need homes and all my other pets just came to me. I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity.

But I don't want to wait. I can't even get weed right now. Yea, I'm sober again. I haven't had alcohol since the 4th of July and I still have no appetite for it. Just the smell makes me want to puke. I'm pretty sure I jinxed myself on the weed but it still sucks and I can't take my thoughts. Nor do I want to see W yet. I hear he has but I'm still really pissed at him and I can't talk to anyone when I'm mad at them. I say really mean things that should never be said. I'm avoiding him for his own good, trust me, he doesn't want to hear what's in my head.

Anyway, I need saved. Like now. Yea, it's pathetic, I have to ask the internet like this and hope it works. But then again, this blog has given me magic before. And I'm still here. So yea, my depression is taking over my mind, I don't care about helping anyone else anymore, I'm being selfish and I'm done. I can't block Boston and it's making my life way too difficult. I'm blocking everyone and I'm hoping for a miracle before it's too late

I Know.....I've been through it all. And the times I thought I was in love, they were great for the couple months that it lasted. And I'm done, I want true love forever or nothing

11:27pm

And just like that......W came to my house and pissed me off. He wants to spray paint toy cars in my basement. Are you fucking kidding me??? How old are you W?? Grow the fuck up. Unless of course you want to help kill me some more. Your moonshine almost did, you want me to choke and die on that shit?? Go for it.....I want to die anyway. You should be in bed with your girlfriend giving her the attention, not your damn toys.

And now I've got a little hope, if something so rotten can happen so quickly, well then hopefully good will follow along in the next day or so. I sure hope so, cause now I just want to go stab someone, like perhaps one of these idiot boys that I'm surrounded by. I've been beating my walls and throwing things for two days, yea, I get violent so you better watch out. I told all of you that I don't like being mad

"Can't Speak" Danzig